


Missing, Not Gone

by thatgayshit5



Category: Motherland: Fort Salem (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief (kind of), this hurts I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a oneshot but here we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26426722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatgayshit5/pseuds/thatgayshit5
Summary: Raelle had to be out there.She had to be. Scylla wouldn’t accept anything else. She chose Raelle, and she would keep choosing her for as long as she lived.And even longer than that.Or, everyone says Raelle is gone but Scylla won't believe it.
Relationships: Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn
Comments: 40
Kudos: 178





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Amalia said Scylla wouldn't believe that Raelle was gone and I wanted to explore that. Largely inspired by MUNA's "Everything" and Jessie Early's "Restless Heart," if you want to give those a listen. 
> 
> Scylla and Raelle are in pretty dark places here, so please read with caution if that is upsetting to you.

She clutched the report in her hand, staring at it but reading nothing. The print on the page mocked her, words proclaiming something unspeakable. 

Something she refused to believe. 

_Privates Abigail Bellweather and Raelle Collar are MIA after an explosion in the Tarim Basin, presumed dead._

It couldn’t be true; it just couldn’t. She chose Raelle, _still_ chooses her- there’s no way. This can’t be the end. 

Scylla came to terms with the fact that she would likely never see Raelle again. She understood that, had accepted it even though it hurt like nothing she had ever felt before. Like someone had reached into her heart and ripped it out still beating; they may as well have. But still, if Scylla never saw her again that would be okay, so long as she knew Raelle was still out there. Still breathing. Still smiling that smile that Scylla loved, even if she was never lucky enough to witness its glory again. It was enough to know that it still existed. But this? This wasn’t right. If no one else could see it, that was on them, but she refused to believe that Raelle- the woman who set her heart aflame with love and light and _life_ \- was gone. Dead. No more life in her veins, love in her eyes, warmth in the hands that reached for her in the day and held her at night- 

It felt too wrong, too cruel, too damn cold. 

Because what was the point of a world without Raelle in it? Without her laugh, which lit up even the darkest of days when Scylla thought the hatred that ate at her soul would consume her? Without the overwhelming good that she brought into a cold and cruel world despite all of the pain she had faced? 

Scylla was not going to accept this. Raelle was alive. She had to be. Because surely, Scylla would know, right? How could she lose the one thing she had left to fight for in this world and not feel it- Not feel the other half of her soul die?

“No.” She shook her head and crumpled the paper in her hand, curling it into a ball to hide the offensive message from her sight. She couldn’t look at it anymore.

“Scylla-” 

She stopped Willa.

“I _said_ , no.”

Willa tried again. “This is hard for me too, I-”

“Oh, this is _hard_ for you? You don’t get to do that. Your death _destroyed her_ , do you have any idea? You weren’t there to see what you did, but I was. Don’t tell me about hard. You weren’t fucking _there._ She needed you, and you left her.” She took a shaky breath, trying to force back the tears that pricked at her eyes. “She’s missing in action, not dead. She can’t be.” She folded in on herself. “She can’t be,” she repeated, the words barely a whisper. 

Willa tried to place a comforting hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off, pushing past her to the makeshift bedroom she slept in. She took a seat on the bed, staring listlessly at the wall as a memory came, unbidden.

_“Hey, Scyl,” Raelle murmured in her ear._

_“Hm?” They were lounging on her bed, enjoying a quiet afternoon off from training before the Bellweather unit left for the wedding. Scylla’s head was in Raelle’s lap and her girlfriend was combing her fingers through her hair, absently weaving the occasional small braid into it._

_“Let’s run away together.”_

_Scylla looked up to find Raelle smiling down at her, eyes shining with pure adoration._

_“And live on the beach?” she asked, returning the smile._

_“Wherever, as long as it’s with you.” Raelle fixed her with a steady gaze and Scylla’s heart swelled with love. This girl, with all of her confident affection that she gave unconditionally without reservation, would be the end of her._

_“That’s an awfully big commitment, Private Collar,” she teased._

_“Wherever makes you happy, Scyl. That’s where I want to be.”_

_“Such a charmer.”_

_“Only for you.”_

_She knew, in a way, that their time was quickly running out. The wedding was fast approaching. Raelle was leaving in a few hours, but all she could do was savor these last few moments._

_She wondered just when it all went so wrong. If she could roll the tapes back, could she find the exact point when she fucked it all up? Completely lost track of the mission in favor of falling helplessly in love with the one person she shouldn’t?_

_Maybe it was that day in Remembrance Hall, when Raelle held her and made her feel a little less alone, saw her for who she was and not what she had done, who she used to be. Or that moment in the graveyard, when Raelle told her she was beautiful and decided to trust Scylla despite the lies she fed her. Or, even more terrifying, maybe she was lost the minute she first saw Raelle on the storm range. Maybe she never stood a chance against that smile and those piercing, sky blue eyes._

_The mission was a lost cause before it even began, but Scylla couldn’t find it in herself to regret a single decision she made because they all got her here, in Raelle’s arms, even if only for a few more minutes._

_She closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of Raelle- of home- and wished against hope, against reason, against every logical thought in her head, for just a moment longer with the woman she loved._

Scylla took a shaky breath and laid down, curling into a ball, and finally succumbed to the tears. Not because she lost Raelle, because she could not accept that. Raelle was out there, somewhere, continuing to fight. Scylla had to believe that. 

Scylla cried because the world gave up on Raelle, _again_ , and she deserved better. The Army, Alder, even her own _mother_ gave up on her and even though she knew Raelle couldn’t care less about her, Scylla would not be the last person to give up. She would continue to believe in her, have faith that she was still fighting, and Scylla would fight for her. Believe in her. Even if no one else would.

* * *

Scylla didn’t go to the funeral. It could hardly even be called that; there were no bodies to bury. Just empty caskets to go along with empty words of sympathy, as if the Army could possibly imagine what had really been lost. 

She already knew what to expect. The whole mockery of a ceremony would be finished off with a meaningless flag to be passed off to the mourning families, like it could ever hope to replace what the Army had taken too soon. The whole thing would feel too fake, the most perfunctory of gestures from an organization designed to take advantage of people like her- like _Raelle_ \- until they were spent. Used up. Blown to bits on the battlefield or wasting away at Fort Salem, one way or another the Army would take the life of every witch there, and for what? To continue the never ending scramble for power? Keep witches chained to conscription, so their only acceptable place in society was one that made them useful to civilians?

So no, Scylla didn’t go to the funeral. She didn’t want to see Alder’s pity or the Army’s empty gestures. They gave up on Raelle, didn’t even try to find her, passed her off as dead without a second thought. 

_What a pity_ , they would say. _She could have been a great medic._

Fuck that.

Instead, Scylla passed the afternoon staring at a map of the Tarim Basin, much like she had every day for the past week. She had barely slept since they got the report that Raelle and Abigail were missing. Instead, she spent every waking minute in front of the map. The constant pouring over the landscape wondering where Raelle and Abigail could be helped her become familiar with it, and on the day of the funeral she focused on one specific patch of desert. She examined it for what was likely the hundredth time, exhausted eyes searching out the long since memorized oasis. Were Raelle and Abigail there right now? They would need water, and this was probably the only source for miles around. Had the army checked there? Her mind spiraled into questions, considering every possible angle, desperately scrambling for any explanation of how Raelle could still be alive. 

She brought her hand up, staring at it. She hadn’t tried to contact Raelle yet, unsure of how she would react. Would it be too cruel? Inappropriate? Would it cause more harm than good? But now, she needed to let her know. Even if the rest of the world believed she was gone, Scylla didn’t. Raelle needed to know that at least one person was still with her. She carefully traced the _S_ onto her palm, offering up a silent prayer to the goddess that Raelle would understand her message. She held her hand close to her heart, treasuring the last connection she had to the woman she loved.

Raelle had to be out there.

She had to be. Scylla wouldn’t accept anything else. She chose Raelle, and she would keep choosing her for as long as she lived.

And even longer than that.

* * *

Thousands of miles away, on the other side of the world, a young woman fell to her knees. Her companion came crashing down a moment later. They were so close, their destination merely a hundred feet in front of them, but it felt so far away. It may as well have been another mile.

The young woman coughed. Her throat was so dry. _Everything_ was so dry. The dust caked her hair, her face, her eyes, her throat… She couldn’t remember the taste of water, the feeling of its cool, refreshing touch. The rations they carried with them long since finished, all she could remember was the heat and omnipresent dust that had haunted her every waking moment for the past… week? Month? Day? It was impossible to tell anymore. They had no way of knowing how long it had been since Alder had left them for dead. She wished Alder had been right and that the Camarilla had finished the job; it would have been better than this much, much slower death. 

Another round of coughing wracked her body and she rolled onto her side, her body curling in on itself in a desperate attempt to find some semblance of relief. Just her luck, it seemed, because it didn't work. 

“You good, Shitbird?” Abigail croaked next to her.

“Take a wild guess, Bellweather.” She didn’t recognize her voice. It rasped in her throat and caught in her chest.

“About as good as me, then.”

“Pretty much.”

Raelle turned onto her back, looking up at the sky and trying to find the strength to stand again, but she couldn’t. Her legs felt like lead and her arms were barely cooperating. Everything hurt, even parts of her body that she didn’t know had functioning nerve endings. She was wondering just how long she would have to lay there before her body finally succumbed to the brutal elements and she passed out when she felt it.

Tingling.

A prickling feeling that she had last felt so long ago that it felt like another lifetime, back before she told the woman she loved that she wished they had never met.

When she broke both of their hearts with one swift blow before Scylla was shipped off to die. 

“Wha…?” Raelle muttered. 

She used the last of her strength, her very last reserves, to bring her hand up to where she could see it. There was no way to know that the _S_ on her palm wasn’t just another dehydration-induced hallucination crafted by her brain just to torture her, but she figured even her mind couldn’t be that evil. 

She felt a rush of emotions. She was angry at first. Angry at Scylla for her betrayal and her lies, angry at the Alder for leaving her and Abigail, angry at the world and all the ways it had managed to screw her and the people she loved over. 

But then, she was confused. Scylla was supposed to be dead. Or at least, somewhere where she couldn’t perform Work, so how was she contacting Raelle? It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense anymore. 

And finally, despite her best efforts, a small part of her heart stirred. A part that she hardly dared to acknowledge, could barely admit to herself, but was nevertheless still there. It stirred with hope and love and relief because despite the five kinds of fucked up this all was, Raelle still loved her. God _damn_ it, she still loved her. 

She stared at the _S_ for a minute, eyes tracing the familiar shape, her heart wrenching a little more with each curve that her eyes followed. She could still barely believe it. Scylla was still out there, and even though she knew it shouldn’t, the thought gave her strength. She forced herself to sit up, struggling to stand but doing it anyway and pulling Abigail up too. 

They reached the oasis a few grueling minutes later. Raelle drank deeply, the water coursing down her throat and into her stomach, filling her with new life and energy. With her thirst suitably quenched her head began to clear and she turned her hand over to check her palm. The _S_ slowly faded back into her skin, as if it had never been there to begin with. As if it only appeared to lead her to safety, give her what she needed to continue on. 

As if Scylla needed to save her one last time.

A cruel twist of fate, considering the nature of their relationship and how everything was a lie. Raelle let out a bitter laugh, her heart constricting painfully in her chest.

“Thanks, Scyl.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst is a new genre to me, so if this wasn't good I'm sorry. If it needs other tags or warnings please let me know. Thank you for reading, and feel free to let me know what you think.
> 
> As always, a million thanks to the lovely Donna for reading this over and editing it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was going to be a oneshot, but here we are. I'm back with more angst. Oops? For those of you who asked for another chapter, I hope you enjoy it!

When she heard the news, her body sank down to the floor, her knees finally giving out after weeks of tension, sleepless nights, and endless hours spent frantically believing that Raelle had to be alive. Hoping against hope that the world was not cruel enough to take the one thing she had left to live for. Her back slid down the wall of the living room and she hit the floor with a soft thud. She didn’t feel it, couldn’t make herself care about anything else other than the fact that, after days of pleading with Willa and Anacostia and anyone else willing to listen and nights of laying in bed with the hope of sleep long gone, Raelle was back. 

Safe. 

Lying in a bed in the infirmary at Fort Salem, wounded and dehydrated and certainly worse for ware, but  _ alive _ . 

She would be okay. 

She wasn’t dead, wasn’t gone, wasn’t even missing anymore because she and Abigail had been found and brought back and  _ Raelle was alive.  _

Nothing else mattered. 

Scylla sighed as, for the first time in weeks, relief washed over her like a cool wave of water. She let out a slow, shaky breath that she had been holding since they got the first report. Her shoulders relaxed and the constriction around her heart eased, the permanent crease in her brow and the tension around her eyes faded as her body reacted to the news. She almost laughed. Even from miles away, Raelle still managed to get a reaction out of her without even trying. 

She  _ almost  _ laughed. 

But then she grimaced, because Raelle wouldn’t find it funny anymore. She never would, and Scylla had to accept that.

She leaned her head back against the wall as something else hit her: exhaustion, and more like a truck than a wave. Goddess, she was tired. Suddenly, she could feel every ache in her body, as if every minute that she should have spent sleeping now weighed like lead on her, dragging her down and luring her ever closer to unconsciousness.

Apparently, going weeks without more than two consecutive hours of sleep took a toll. A major one. 

“Come, Scylla. Let’s get you to bed.” Willa gently helped her up, taking her arm and leading her to her room. “You’ve fought for her every day for weeks now. Have your rest, child. You’ve earned it.”

Scylla would have responded if there were words in her head other than  _ she’s alive, she’s alive, she’s alive  _ playing on repeat loud enough to drown out any other attempts at coherent thought. Instead, she took a seat on the bed with a tight lipped smile and grateful nod to Willa before the older woman left.

Scylla laid on her back, staring at the ceiling, her mind still reeling from the news. Raelle Collar and Abigail Bellweather had shown up at a small village outside of the Tarim Basin and managed to get word to Fort Salem. They were brought back on a ship that had arrived late last night. No one knew how they survived, not even Abigail and Raelle themselves. Raelle had been  _ stabbed through the heart.  _ Scylla could cry. Scream. Track down every last Camarilla agent and kill them with her bare hands for even  _ thinking  _ about hurting the woman she loved. For trying to take her away.

But, her limbs felt heavy. Her eyelids were drooping and her body betrayed her, the need for sleep finally taking over after she had ignored it for weeks in favor of pushing herself to the limit and passing out for a few hours at a time when her tired body couldn’t handle it anymore. And so, for the first time in weeks, Scylla willingly succumbed to the world of sleep and dreams. Her mind graciously took her to another time, showing her memories of moments stolen between trainings, eyes bluer than the sky, and a love that she knew would stay with her for the rest of time, as much a part of her as her heart, or her hands, or her voice.

* * *

She wanted to see her. It ate at the back of her mind constantly, slowly wearing down her ability to resist the urge to see Raelle just once, even for a moment, just to prove to herself that it was really true. That after weeks of waiting with bated breath and clenched fists with nothing but her own solid determination to not give up on Raelle to keep her going, she was alive. 

Scylla could never have imagined how much it would hurt to know that Raelle was at Fort Salem, to know that the woman she loved was just a few miles away, and to not be able to see her. Not be able to touch her, feel her pulse beneath her skin, her heart still beating a soft rhythm that Scylla had called a lullaby just a few months ago. It hurt worse than any torture that Scylla had experienced at Fort Salem, worse than any injury that she had ever suffered. She thought about it constantly, talking herself in circles about why it would be a terrible idea to go see Raelle. 

Raelle absolutely would not want to see her. That much had been clear the last time they saw each other. Raelle wished they had never met. At best it would be foolish to think that had changed in the weeks since; actively self-destructive at worst. Scylla knew that, and yet she still felt her resolve to stay away slowly being chipped away by the instinctual  _ need  _ to see her one last time. One more time, she told herself, to commit the woman she loved to memory when Scylla wasn’t chained to a chair, desperately pleading for her to listen, to believe her, to understand that despite all of all the lies she had told, the truest thing she knew was that she loved Raelle. It was what she clung to, what kept her sane, what kept the darkness that festered in her soul like an unhealed wound at bay.

She thought she had made her peace with never seeing Raelle again, thought she could accept that. She had thought that knowing Raelle was alive would be enough for her, so long as she knew she was out there living her life, laughing with her unit and seeing the world with those eyes that pierced Scylla’s soul.

She was wrong.

* * *

Her resolve broke when Willa told her their Spree cell had a meeting at Fort Salem two days later. Apparently, the Spree and the Army were teaming up now that the Camarilla were back. Scylla knew that this should concern her, but all she could pay attention to was the way her heart betrayed her and leapt at the opportunity this meeting presented. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

“Let me come with you.” Willa examined her closely.

“You want to join us in a meeting with Alder?”

“Yes,” Scylla said with a definitive nod, but she was already planning what she would do once they arrived. Slipping away would be easy enough, the Spree and the Army would be far too preoccupied with glaring at each other and making thinly veiled threats to pay attention to her, so she could easily disappear. The hardest part would be finding Raelle. She had no idea if the blonde Fixer was still in the infirmary or if she had been released; for all she knew she could already be attending classes at War College. Raelle and Abigail had been back for two days and while it was very unlikely that they both had already been released, there was no way for Scylla to be sure, and she would be working with very limited time. But, she had to try.

“Alright,” Willa agreed, “ You can come with us.”

* * *

There was a large group of people waiting for them when they arrived, Alder and her Biddies front and center. Anacostia was on Alder’s right, as she always was, but when they started to walk to Alder’s office she fell in step beside Scylla.

“A personal escort, I feel honored.” She greeted Anacostia as they fell to the back of the group. This was the first time they had seen each other outside of dark alleyways and abandoned warehouses to touch base.

Anacostia raised an eyebrow at her. “We both know this meeting isn’t why you’re here.”

“I have no idea what you mean.” Scylla wasn’t sure if Anacostia would try to stop her or not, so she took the time her denial bought her to try to figure the older woman out. Currently, she was giving her an exasperated look.

“Scylla...” 

“Truly, I’m mystified. You might have to get more cryptic.” 

“You shouldn’t be here. It’s not safe. What were you thinking?” Anacostia stopped to fully face her, frowning as her voice grew concerned.

“And here I thought you would be happy to see me.” Scylla shook her head. “I’m wounded, Anacostia.”

Anacostia sighed, glancing up at the sky for a moment before returning her gaze to Scylla.

“She’s in the infirmary.” Scylla’s eyebrows shot toward her hairline and Anacostia let a small smile break through the carefully stoic expression she usually wore. “Go while you still have time.”

“Does she know?” Scylla hardly recognized the soft voice that came out of her mouth, betraying the fear she had hidden behind sarcasm and humor moments before. She wasn’t sure what she was asking about, but Anacostia seemed to get the idea.

“She knows about the alliance, and she knows you’re alive.” The unspoken  _ not about her mom  _ hung clear in the air.

“She asked about me?” Scylla hardly dared to hope.

“She didn’t have to.” Scylla nodded and turned to the drill sergeant with a grateful smile.

“Thank you.”

“I’ll cover for you, now go.” Anacostia turned to go, but Scylla stopped her for a moment.

“Anacostia.” She turned with a raised eyebrow. “Why?” She couldn’t help but ask. Anacostia kept taking risks for Scylla, and she couldn’t wrap her mind around it.

Anacostia sighed. “I told you to hold onto the part of you that was good. You did a better job at that than any of us. She should know.”

With one last nod, Scylla turned to leave. 

She could hardly keep herself from sprinting across Fort Salem. She walked as quickly as she could, dodging groups of cadets and weaving between buildings and trees, but she slowed as she approached the door to the infirmary. Her heart was in her throat, its normally steady beating suddenly erratic, and not because of how fast she got there. 

Raelle was close, she could  _ feel  _ it, and she stopped in front of the door, her back to the wall so no one inside the room could see her. She took a deep breath and turned around, craning her head slightly to examine the room, looking over the rows of empty beds and searching for the only one that mattered, meticulously moving down the line on the other side of the room before- there. A tuft of blonde hair, loose from its usual braids and brushed out entirely too neatly, caught the early afternoon sunlight streaming in through the large windows. Scylla’s heart wrenched. 

Raelle was on her back, laid out on that little bed, sound asleep. Scylla wasn’t sure what she expected- Abigail and Tally at Raelle’s side ready to kick her out upon sight, or Raelle telling her to leave and breaking her heart all over again, maybe- but this wasn’t it.

Scylla had planned to take a glance, quickly take the time to make peace with how this would be the last time she saw the woman she loved more than her own life and leave, but she couldn’t. Instead, she couldn’t stop herself from slowly approaching the bed, caution in every step because one wrong move could wake the sleeping woman in the bed and spell disaster for everyone within a one mile radius, if the rumors of what happened in the Tarim Basin could be trusted.

Scylla stopped at the edge of the bed, taking a seat in the chair beside it, and looked at the sleeping face that she used to know so well. She looked a little different now: Sadder, even in her sleep. Her face was thinner, her scar more pronounced, and Scylla ached to reach out and trace it like she used to do. Follow the line down past her mouth and murmur sweet nothings about how much she loved it, how much she loved  _ her _ . Instead, her gaze traveled down to Raelle’s hands, resting on top of the sheets on the bed, the ring on her pointer finger catching the light and shining up at her. Scylla smiled a sad smile and couldn’t help but take Raelle’s hand gently in her own, throwing caution to the wind because she was already here and this was the last chance she would ever get to do this. 

Damn the consequences.

Scylla looked at the sleeping young woman before her, a million thoughts rushing through her mind. Regrets and cherished memories flooded her senses as she gently rubbed the palm she had traced the  _ S  _ onto. She wondered if Raelle had received the message, if it relayed the feeling she wanted it to, or if it had just made her angry. Pushed her even further away than she already was, regardless of physical distance. She was so close and yet so far away, and Scylla’s heart throbbed with the knowledge that this was the closest she would ever get to Raelle again because she knew the blonde would never allow it once she woke up.

Scylla sighed, glancing at the clock. She needed to go. She leaned a little closer, raising the limp hand to her lips, a single tear trailing down her cheek as she pressed her lips to the skin covering her knuckles. “I love you, Raelle.” She whispered into the skin, trying desperately to convey how she felt despite the lack of words in any human language to describe it. “Even if you don’t believe me. Even if you never believe me, I will never stop loving you.”

She gently lowered the hand back down, smoothing the sheet below it to hide any evidence of her visit, and stood to leave. 

If she had been in any less pain, been even slightly more aware of her surroundings and not the meticulous way her heart was shredding into tiny pieces with every step she took toward the door, she would have heard the slight creaking of the bedsprings behind her. The quiet rustling of the sheets that gave notice of the slowly waking young woman moving beneath them. She would have had some kind of warning to prepare her for what was coming, but instead she was caught completely off guard when a gravelly voice interrupted her agonizing journey to the door.

“Scylla.” 

Her heart dropped to the floor, a pit forming instantly in her stomach. She felt sick. She felt scared. But that goddess damned  _ voice  _ still flowed over her like water and she had to remind herself that hearing it right now was not a good thing. 

She slowly turned, willing herself to keep her composure and not cry like a baby as she cautiously met the blue gaze fixated on her. Blue like arctic ice and just as cold. 

Raelle was just barely sitting up, struggling to situate herself because she must still be in so much pain but she did it anyway, defiantly forcing herself upright to confront Scylla the best she could.

“Raelle.” Scylla’s voice wavered despite her best efforts, breaking on the second syllable of the name that she knew would always be on the tip of her tongue. The ice staring her down started to melt, a sea of mixed emotions Scylla desperately tried to discern beneath it. Raelle frowned.

“What are you doing here?” Her voice was softer this time, but softer in a way that broke Scylla even more because it was full of pain, and she knew it was because of  _ her  _ and what she did. She did this to Raelle, and that guilt was hers alone to bear. 

“I-” she paused. What was she doing there? What could she say to make Raelle understand that she loved her? Never wanted to hurt her, that she would rather die than do it again? That she would sacrifice anything and everything just to make Raelle smile one more time? “I wanted to see you. I needed to know you were okay.”

“I’m not,” Raelle ground out, her face tight and her voice low. It was a knife to the heart, a fist clenching around the fleshy organ in Scylla’s chest, where all of her love resided, and wrenching it out of her ribcage to tear it in two.

“I know,” she whispered.

“You broke my heart, Scylla,” Raelle said, her voice shaking. “You used me. You lied to me.”

“I messed up. So many times. And I lied, yes, but not about loving you. Never about that. I love you so much, Raelle, I couldn’t-”

“And how the hell am I supposed to believe that, Scylla? After everything?” Raelle interrupted her, leaning forward. Scylla could see her anger rising in the hard lines on her face, hear it in the way her words became sharp. “What, you’re just gonna show up two days after I get back and expect me to just-  _ fuck.”  _

Raelle winced, shrinking in on herself again, her teeth grinding together in a grimace. She must have moved too much because her hand jumped to her chest where Scylla knew a healing stab wound now marked the previously smooth skin. She took a step forward out of pure instinct to try to help her, but Raelle stopped her with a raised hand. “I’m fine, I can handle it.” The strain in her voice made it very clear that Raelle was definitely  _ not  _ fine.

“Raelle, you need help.”

“What? You suddenly have my best interest in mind?”

“ _ Yes _ , and I’m going to get Anacostia because whether or not you believe it I love you and I want you to heal.” 

Raelle just let out a shaky sigh, leaning her head back against the pile of pillows behind her. Scylla turned to leave, trying to ignore the weight in her chest that made it hard to force herself out of the infirmary. The door was ten feet away, then five. She reached for the handle, pausing for a moment to gather the strength it would take to walk away from the woman she loved. Before she could grab it, though, Raelle’s voice stopped her.

“You saved me.” 

Scylla gasped and her hand froze halfway between her body and the door. The confession was quiet, and it hung in the air after it was spoken, winding itself around Scylla’s bruised and broken heart, conjuring traitorous hopeful thoughts that she hardly dared to give any attention. She stopped; her back to Raelle because she didn’t dare to turn around and see the look on her face. She wasn’t sure she could survive it.

“What?” Her voice sounded small, as if she had spoken with any more authority Raelle would have taken back what she had said.

She heard Raelle sigh behind her. “Two weeks ago. Your message. I was passing out, I couldn’t make it to the oasis we were heading toward. I was ready to die, and then I got it.” She paused, the words bitter and her voice full of pain and sadness, but also something soft that Scylla remembered from back when it was reserved only for her. “It’s stupid, but it gave me the strength I needed to keep going.” Scylla fought back the sob that Raelle’s words threatened to yank from her chest, from happiness or sadness she couldn’t say, and turned to face her again because she couldn’t resist it anymore. Raelle was rubbing her right palm and blinking back tears, gaze stubbornly fixed on the ceiling.

“Raelle, I-”

“I don’t know what any of this means,” the blonde continued. “I’m confused, I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m so goddamn  _ tired _ \- but I guess what I’m trying to say is,” she glanced back at Scylla, eyes shining with unshed tears and something she didn’t dare name, “thank you.” 

Scylla wasn’t sure what to do or say or what to make of what Raelle had said, but she breathed a sigh of relief because Raelle had gotten the message. It had  _ worked.  _ It had  _ saved her. _

She offered a sad smile. “I never thought you were gone.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t. I needed you to know that someone believed in you. I still do. I never stopped.”

A quiet knock on the doorframe startled her and she looked up to find Anacostia watching them. 

“Scylla, you need to go.”

She nodded and turned to Raelle one last time.

“Goodbye, Raelle.” Raelle sniffed and wiped her nose.

“Bye, Scyl.” Her heart ached at the nickname, at the weight it still carried.

With that, she finally made herself turn and leave, but it felt like she was leaving a piece of her soul behind, lying in that little bed- after all, she had. Raelle would forever be a part of her. 

Scylla had wanted nothing more than to hold her and comfort her, run a hand through her hair and tell her everything would be alright, but she couldn’t. Raelle wasn’t hers anymore. 

The thought hit her like a blow to the stomach.

And yet, after the initial pain of leaving and the shock at talking to Raelle again wore off and her tears dried, Scylla remembered what Raelle had said. 

_ You saved me.  _

_ It gave me the strength I needed to keep going.  _

_ Thank you.  _

_ Bye, Scyl. _

It all echoed in her mind and she savored it, clung to it like a lifeline, prayed that she wasn’t imagining the underlying emotions she thought she heard. As she and Anacostia made their way back across Fort Salem, Scylla tried to squash the emotion sparking to life in her chest, its small glow warming her even as she did her best to smother it. But still it persisted, drawing up memories of the faint emotions Scylla had detected in Raelle’s eyes, the hidden meaning in her words, the carefully fabricated restraint in her movements. She tried to stifle the emotion, but it was a stubborn little thing that nagged at her despite her best efforts:  _ hope. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed this. I might continue it for at least another chapter, feel free to tell me if you would want that. Leave kudos or comments if you would like, they make my day :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time we're going to check up on Raelle and see how she's doing. She's not doing great, so please take care of yourself while reading this.
> 
> Thank you everyone who has left kudos and comments. I'm sorry I haven't been able to respond to all of them, I'm hoping to be able to start responding again soon. Y'all make my day when you leave them. As always, thank you Donna for reading this over and catching the millions of times I changed verb tenses.
> 
> If y'all wanna cry with me, go listen to "I Lost You" by THE WLDLFE.

Everything was too loud. 

Bright. 

Overwhelming, in the worst possible way. 

The nurses checked up on her regularly, every possible branch of the military questioned her and Abigail about what had happened, and to top it all off she was stuck in the infirmary with no hope of sneaking off. 

Not that she would get very far even if she tried. The… _thing_ that had happened to her had left her mostly healed, but not fully, and she was awfully weak after the injuries she had suffered. Not to mention the less than pleasant effects of wandering around the desert for two weeks with very little food and water. Still, Abigail had been cleared after a day, but here Raelle was. 

Stuck. 

Alone, with only her thoughts to keep her company once the nurses finally left, and the generals and commanders finished with their questions for the day. It was a blessing and a curse. A blessing to finally be free of the constant questions and examinations and tests, but a curse to have nothing to do but wallow in her own mind, forced to face all of the doubts and questions that threatened to swallow her whole and drag her further into the pit of anger and sadness that had found a permanent home in her chest.

She had so many questions. Questions like: What the hell happened to her and Abigail? Why wasn’t she dead? What wasn’t the Army telling her?

Out of all of her questions, though, one subject consumed her. 

Raelle had tried to avoid it. Tried to avoid _her_. Pushed the thought of her from her mind and held it at bay in a desperate attempt to stop herself from remembering- everything. How she looked. How she tasted. How she smelled. The gut wrenching way she screamed as Raelle turned her back on the woman she still loved, despite her efforts not to, and walked away from her. 

And yet, still, Raelle could not stop herself from wondering where Scylla was. What she was doing. If she made it out of Fort Salem safely. An unfortunate consequence of being stuck on bed rest was that she had plenty of time to think about Scylla, no matter how hard she tried to stop herself.

She hated herself for it. Cursed how she could still love the woman who had betrayed her. Used her. Lied and tricked her so many times it was impossible to tell what was real and what wasn’t. How could Raelle possibly believe her when she said she loved her? How could she know that this wasn’t another trick designed by whatever Spree cell Scylla belonged to?

And, most importantly: Why the _fuck_ did she still want to believe it?

She wanted, more than anything, to be with Scylla again. Hold her. Kiss her. Play with her hair how she knew Scylla liked and watch her slowly relax into her touch. Her entire body ached to feel the weight of Scylla against her. Her soul yearned to tell her that, as she lay dying, all she could think of was how much she regretted walking away. How it wasn’t true- she could never regret meeting Scylla, even if she was broken because of it.

Seeing her had been painful. It hurt worse than any physical pain she was in, which was a _lovely_ addition to what she was already feeling. It had been clear, when she showed up in the infirmary, that Scylla was not doing well. Her clothes hung off her, her face was pale, but her _eyes._ The eyes that Raelle loved so much, had spent hours staring into, were what hurt the most. There was sadness and pain and guilt in them, but it was the love that Raelle couldn’t bear to see. She had to look away because she couldn’t handle it anymore.

She hadn’t even been sure Scylla was real, until she spoke. There was no way Raelle could have dreamed up the way her voice broke when she said her name, the way her face twisted when Raelle told her that she was _not_ okay. 

Seeing Scylla- it had almost been a relief. Her traitorous heart had still skipped a beat when she saw her. Her nerves still eased when she heard her voice because despite everything that had happened between them, Raelle’s body was still hardwired to react to Scylla’s presence. She was so used to calling Scylla home that she couldn’t help but relax when she was near; she didn’t know how to do anything else.

She had tried to stay strong and tell Scylla to leave, but she couldn’t. Her heart wouldn’t let her. Instead, the love had slipped out in the only way she could let it. 

_You saved me_. 

It was true. She had. And despite the anger, despite the broken ruins of what used to be that lay in pieces between them, Raelle had to tell her. Scylla needed to know. Somehow, the woman who broke her into a thousand pieces was able to save her life from halfway across the world. 

And so, she told her. In that moment, doing everything she could to not look at her, Raelle could not stop herself. She could only hope that Scylla knew what she was really saying, that this was the best she could do. She was so angry, and tired, and broken, but Scylla was still everything to her. 

The pain and the anger and all of her goddamn _love_ had warred inside her, leaving her bitter and hating herself just a little more than she had the day before because she was so stupid. Because watching Scylla walk away still hurt worse than anything she had ever felt, and she would rather be stabbed through the heart again than see her walk out that door. 

And she let it happen anyway.

Raelle missed her like a drowning person missed the air. But then, as she always did when thinking of Scylla, she remembered everything that happened, and the cycle of questions started again. How could she believe Scylla? What was going on? Why did she still love her? 

And so the dance of conflicting emotions started again, the choreography familiar but the distress it caused her just as fresh and excruciating. 

Alone in her bed, Raelle stared at the ceiling, overwhelmed by the sheer insanity of all of this and wishing for even a single moment of god damned _quiet._

Raelle was a mess. She knew it, and Abigail knew it, and Anacostia knew it. Even Tally, as much as she was struggling with the recent changes in her own life, could tell. Raelle could see it in the way she looked at her. She tried to hide it, but Raelle would know that crease between her brows anywhere, even if it was a little different now. None of them had said anything, thankfully, but it was obvious in the way they walked on eggshells around her, carefully avoiding subjects and casually bringing food or asking if there was anything she needed. 

It was pointless, though. The one thing she needed was the one thing she couldn’t let herself have.

Even with all of her newfound free time, Raelle barely slept. Because when she slept, she dreamt of Scylla. They were sweet dreams, of simpler times when she had been so sure that they could run away and live a life of their own choosing, free of the responsibilities thrust upon them since birth. It just made it hurt more when she woke up, to realize that it was all a dream and remember the awful reality. 

There was no beach. No lighthouse to guide her home. No medals hanging on the door. Just the cold, harsh fact that Scylla was not there and Raelle was alone, shivering without the woman she loved to keep her warm.

So, Raelle did her best not to sleep. Instead, she stared stubbornly at the ceiling, willing all of the love she had in her to go away so she could finally be at peace, because she was so _tired._ Exhausted, yes, but also just tired to the bone of everything. The world, the neverending confusion, the constant conflict in her heart. It weighed on her like a ton of bricks and all she wanted was for it to stop, if even for five minutes just to get a moment of freedom without the pain in her chest eating her alive. 

* * *

In the days following Scylla’s visit, Raelle was finally released from the infirmary. She and Abigail had been assigned a room together at War College and she was to report to her classes in three days. Raelle knew she should be excited, or nervous, or really anything, but she couldn’t make herself. She felt nothing about War College. Just a cold numbness as she stared at the ceiling, willing the thoughts of Scylla that plagued her to go away. 

It all felt so trivial. To continue on with life as if nothing had happened. As if a part of her wasn’t missing. 

She couldn’t tell if she wanted it back, or if she could even survive without it. 

She went through her monotonous routine: stare at the ceiling and try not to sleep, get up, force something down her throat if she could, stare at the wall waiting for time to pass, repeat. 

The time passed slowly, but eventually she had made it to the day before she started classes. She was in her room trying to get some class supplies together so she could scrape by with the bare minimum without getting called out for being completely unprepared. Abigail was out on a run and Raelle would have been enjoying the quiet if her mind had been more willing to cooperate. A sharp knock on the door interrupted her attempts to make her mind go blank.

She pulled the door open to find Anacostia waiting, her posture as stiff as ever, but the crease in her brow betraying the concern she felt.

“Collar. May I have a minute?” 

“Yeah.” 

Raelle gestured to let Anacostia in and they took a seat on her bed, the silence uncomfortable as they both waited for the other to say something. After a moment, Anacostia gave in.

“I wanted to check in on you.”

“I’m fine.” It was a lie. A lie that she had gotten used to telling herself and anyone who she came into contact with, because the last time she admitted that she wasn’t okay had been when she spoke to Scylla and she just couldn’t do it again.

“No,” Anacostia argued, “you’re not.” 

“I’m _fine._ ” She tried to ignore how her voice shook with the effort it took to repeat what they both knew wasn’t true. Anacostia sighed.

“Raelle…” 

“I’m-”

Anacostia stopped her. “No one expects you to be fine. No one could go through what you did and be fine.” The words were familiar. Tally had said something like that to Abigail not so long ago. Raelle shook the memory off.

“I’ll be okay.” She had to believe that. “I’ll be able to start training again and go to class and…”

“Raelle, you’re not sleeping. You’ve barely eaten. Abigail says you’ve hardly spoken to anyone.” Anacostia paused, giving Raelle a careful look. “We’re worried about you.”

“I-” Raelle tried, but she couldn’t. She just _couldn’t._ Couldn’t make herself keep saying she was fine when everyone knew she wasn’t. Couldn’t keep going. Couldn’t convince herself she could do this when she barely got through a single day without shutting down.

Instead, she finally let herself tell the truth.

“I can’t stop thinking about her, Anacostia.” Her voice sounded small and foreign to her ears. Raelle took a shaky breath. “No matter what I do, I can’t get her out of my head. Even when I sleep, I just- it hurts. So much. And it won’t stop. I don’t know what to do.”

“Do you remember what I told you? After you went to see her?” Raelle nodded and Anacostia offered a sad smile. “She loves you. I know you have a lot of questions, but don’t question that. She fought for you every day you were missing. Constantly looked for you. I thought she might bring down all of Fort Salem for leaving you there.” Raelle tried, but she couldn’t stop the tears from falling then because it was all so _much._ Anacostia raised a tentative hand to rub her back and she leaned into the older woman as her mind reeled. 

Scylla had said she never believed Raelle was dead, but this was new. According to Anacostia, Scylla had fought for her _every day._ A sob wracked her chest, her heart wrenching as she tried to process this. Raelle had left Scylla, told her she wished they never met, walked away to the sound of her screaming, and Scylla had fought for her anyways. Tried to convince Anacostia that she was still alive, and clearly expected nothing in return. 

“I- I don’t understand any of this.” Raelle wiped her eyes, staring at the floor as she spoke. “I’m so angry. I don’t know what’s going on, but I love her. I don’t want to, but I do. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know what _to_ do.”

“You don’t have to.” Raelle glanced at Anacostia as the older woman shook her head. “Not yet. But dinner and a full night’s sleep might do you some good. That could be a place to start.”

Raelle looked at her hands, fiddling with her ring, twisting it around and around, wondering what her mom would think of all of this. She would want Raelle to take care of herself, might even smack her upside the head for not doing it sooner. She sighed, the constant ache in her chest rising and falling with the exhalation of air from her lungs.

“Okay.”

* * *

The next time she saw Scylla, she wasn’t any more prepared. She should have been, because she had heard word that the Spree would be at Fort Salem to help organize the fight against the Camarilla, but somehow she hadn’t managed to think of what she would actually say. She spent days thinking about the woman she loved, running her mind in circles trying to make sense of the jumbled emotions that burned through her, and yet she had no idea what to say.

Instead, when she caught sight of her outside of Memorial Hall, climbing out of a van with all the grace in the world, she froze. Stopped in her tracks, providing an excellent roadblock for the group of students behind her, and earning her a handful of curses thrown her way. 

She didn’t care.

Somehow, inexplicably so, Scylla had turned at the perfect time and spotted her. They stood, eyes locked from across the road. Raelle watched the emotions flicker across Scylla’s face- surprise, concern, fear, love, sadness- each staying for just a moment, until she schooled her features into the most tentative smile. It melted away a moment later, replaced with a look of sad resignation and Raelle realized she was still frozen. 

She briefly reviewed all of the reasons she shouldn’t approach Scylla. She _should_ turn around, walk away, and not look back. Leave Scylla in the past and move on. But she couldn’t.

Resisting was pointless, because her heart had already won over her head and her feet were taking her across the road before she told them to. 

Her feet led her all the way to Scylla, stopping in front of her. Scylla looked at her like she was a miracle, all of her defenses down. Her face was open and when Raelle looked in her eyes she realized that Scylla was being completely vulnerable, perhaps for the first time. After all, she had nothing to hide anymore.

“ _Raelle._ ” 

Scylla breathed her name like it was precious, and Raelle’s heart twisted in her chest, overwhelmed by a combination of the familiar warmth her presence always brought and the sickening fury that ran through her veins. She swallowed.

“Hey, Scyl.” The words were hard to force out past the lump that had appeared in her throat, almost choking her in the process. She couldn’t stop the nickname from escaping, though. It came as naturally as breathing and was just as hard to avoid. 

“Are you-” Scylla stopped herself, pausing and looking down. “You're not okay, that would have been a stupid question.”

Raelle could have sworn the world stopped turning. Everything came to a halt. Maybe it was the shock of seeing Scylla again, or the sheer weight of all of the things she was trying to cope with, but having Scylla so easily acknowledge that she was not okay was the thing to finally break her. 

Again. 

She gasped, her eyes going wide for a moment, before her knees buckled. It was like she had finally reached her limit. She had been pushing it for weeks, but this was what finally did it. The simple act of having the woman she loved say what she had been denying for days. She couldn’t keep going like this. 

She didn’t hear Scylla cry her name, or see the way she sprang forward without hesitation.

Raelle expected to hit the ground, was prepared for the dull _thud_ of her body meeting the concrete, because she was used to the pain of falling by now, but it didn’t come. Instead, strong arms wrapped around her body, their heat comforting and familiar. Her mind screamed not to let herself care but her body relaxed into them, breathing a sigh of relief as it finally found peace in the only embrace it wanted to feel. She leaned forward despite herself, despite the way she told herself not to, desperately grabbing at the woman holding her up because she just couldn’t fight the absolute, all consuming _need_ to touch her. She grabbed fistfulls of Scylla’s jacket, clinging to her like her life depended on it, because she wasn’t sure it didn’t. 

She buried her face in Scylla’s neck, breathing in the scent that had haunted her dreams for weeks, almost not believing that it was here at long last. Not a dream, or a hallucination that would break her heart all over again once she returned to reality. No, this was real and Scylla was warm and solid in her arms, easily supporting her weight because Raelle’s legs had lost the ability to keep her upright. Raelle half sobbed as her senses were overwhelmed by Scylla, and the way her presence instantly eased her mind. 

For a brief moment, nothing mattered. Not the state of the world, not Scylla’s betrayal, not the myriad of reasons this couldn’t happen. It was just them. Just two young women rediscovering the way their broken pieces fit together perfectly, and providing comfort the only way they knew how.

“Raelle,” Scylla murmured, “I’m here. I know you don’t want me, but I’m here. Always. I love you,” her voice grew quiet, so quiet Raelle almost didn’t hear it, “no matter what happens.”

_No matter what happens, I love you._

_She loves you. That part is real._

A strangled sob escaped her throat and she held on tighter, squeezing her eyes shut and willing herself to stay silent because, despite everything in her telling her to say it back, she just couldn’t. Not yet.

Raelle wanted to stay there forever. Forget her responsibilities. Forget the world around them that just seemed to take, and take, and take without any consideration for what more they could afford to lose. She wanted to pretend that everything was okay, and she could forget what had happened in favor of letting Scylla hold her for the rest of her days. She wanted it more than anything, but she just wasn’t ready yet.

Instead, she took a deep, shaky breath. She slowly found her footing again, pulling away from Scylla, and doing her best to ignore the way her face fell as they separated. She tried not to notice how her heart tore itself in two the minute she was no longer touching Scylla, but how could she not notice the way the world seemed colder without her? She couldn’t. But she couldn’t bring herself to think about what that meant, either. 

“I-” her voice broke, the words catching in her throat. She coughed and tried again. “I have to get to class.” A lame excuse, considering that they had met because Raelle had been skipping training and they both knew she wasn’t a particularly dedicated student. 

Scylla didn’t question it, though.

“Of course,” Scylla whispered, and Raelle turned, ducking her head because she couldn’t stand to see the look on Scylla’s face as she walked away again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave kudos or comments telling me what you think! If you would like, come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Bookworm_Nina) or [tumblr](https://thatgayshit5.tumblr.com/). Love y'all and see you soon (hopefully).


	4. rock bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, I'm alive! Long time no see. I am so sorry I was gone for so long. Turns out working and going to grad school during a pandemic is really draining, so I found writing to be really hard for a while there. But, I have returned! 
> 
> I sincerely hope that this was worth the wait, and I hope you enjoy! As always, thank you to my friend Donna for wading though the nonsense I throw at her and making this legible. 
> 
> Fair warning: Once again, Raelle is in a really dark place. Please take care of yourself if that's not something you want to read right now.

Raelle used to believe in rock bottom. She had always scoffed at Tally’s “nowhere to go but up” speeches full of positivity but, at the end of the day, she had always thought there was some truth to it. At a certain point, things had to be as bad as they could get. But, somehow, now she seemed to be routinely crashing straight through rock bottom to what could only be some kind of hell. Every time she thought things couldn’t get any worse, life knocked her down again. And again. And again. Raelle could have sworn it was the end a dozen times. She had been convinced it couldn’t get any worse. 

Surely she was so broken there wasn’t any piece left of her to break- the pieces were already too small. 

Surely there was no further to fall, she would think as she lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, so drained she couldn’t even muster the energy to get the tears that pricked her eyes to fall. The lumpy mattress of her bunk felt a whole lot like rocks, but there was comfort in thinking it couldn’t get worse. Rock bottom was becoming a familiar place to her, and she had resigned herself to a cold and empty existence there until she found out just how much further she could fall.

She knew her friends were worried. She could hear Tally and Abigail murmuring to each other about how worried they were now that Tally was back with them. Anacostia must have thought she was being inconspicuous, but Raelle still felt the weight of her gaze with every concerned look she gave her. But despite their concerned looks, Raelle insisted she was fine. One foot in front of the other. She was used to rock bottom; she could do this. 

That lie grew more bitter on her tongue by the day as she clung to the dull routine she had set for herself. Stare at the ceiling until the bells ring, try and fail to not think about Scylla. Force a little food down her throat. Dazedly stare at her professors or stare out the window. Dodge questions and concerned glances from her friends, insist she was fine. 

Repeat. 

it was dull, simple, monotonous. But most importantly, it was  _ manageable.  _

Until it wasn’t. 

She had thought that time would ease the warring emotions within her, that they would eventually fade, but after several months passed she had begun to lose what little hope she had left that they would. She couldn’t remember the last time she slept soundly- didn’t want to. Because that would mean remembering the arms that held her when she did. She couldn’t think about how safe she had felt, cocooned by a warm embrace and watched over by deep blue eyes that shone like sapphires. Seduced into slumber by sweet lies promising safety and escape and _ love _ . The woman who, despite it all, she still called home.

No, she couldn’t do that. Not again. The wound was old by now, but the pain was as fresh and sharp as it had been the day everything came crashing down.

So she drove herself into the ground instead, making a home out of rock bottom and learning to live with it until it all fell apart.

* * *

It was a cold day, and Raelle had been shivering since the bells had pulled her begrudgingly from her bed, cursing the autumn weather for turning Fort Salem into some kind of polar nightmare. She was halfway through her last class of the afternoon when she was summoned to some office- she didn’t bother to pay attention to whose, she didn’t care enough- and she shifted in her seat, shivering and pulling her jacket closer around her shoulders. Her Cession ass wasn’t built for weather like this, and she glowered at the frost still on the window across from her.

The office was large and imposing, with a heavy oak desk placed in front of a window and comfortable leather chairs placed on either side of it. Raelle felt small in her chair, and she squirmed in discomfort as she waited for whoever she was supposed to meet with. They must have been running late. Raelle rolled her eyes and slouched a little, crossing her arms.

After a few more agonizing minutes her ear twitched at the sound of a door opening and closing behind her, but she didn’t turn to see who had entered, still annoyed at having her routine interrupted. She hardly had the energy to cope with any sudden changes right now. 

Slow, deliberate steps made their way past the oversized desk to the chair opposite hers as Raelle stubbornly kept her gaze fixed on the grain of the oak desk. The woman took a seat in front of her, and Raelle reluctantly looked up to greet her before all thoughts abruptly came to a halt.

Raelle slowly took her in, and time seemed to stop.

She noticed the hair first.

It wasn’t braided like it used to be. Not anymore. Now, the light blonde strands were loose and smoothly brushed out, falling a little above her shoulders. 

It looked  _ wrong _ . 

She looked at the woman’s hands next- over a year had passed, but they were exactly the same. Carefully folded on the desk between them, strong and gentle, the same scar on her thumb that Raelle had heard the story behind hundreds of times. They were familiar in the worst possible way- a way that brought back memories of playing in the Cession fields all those years ago and getting a little scrape Fixed. Memories of the complete and all-consuming despair she had wallowed in, only to-

Her stomach twisted as she slowly looked up, horror making her blood run cold as she met the one gaze she never thought she would see again, so full of love and warmth and hope that it made her want to vomit. 

Her mama- the woman who raised her between deployments, taught her how to fix, dried her tears- was-

Raelle shook her head, trying to process what she was seeing. Make some kind of sense out of this as her world turned upside down yet again.

“You’re  _ dead. _ ” The woman across from her offered her a comforting smile and reached a hand toward Raelle, but she pulled back. The woman’s face fell.

“Raelle-” Her voice was soft and warm and everything Raelle had never even hoped she would hear again, and yet Raelle couldn’t let herself feel happy because this couldn’t be real.

She shook her head. “No. No, you-” her voice cracked despite her attempts to stop it. “You died in Greenville. We only got your medal. Couldn’t even…” The realization hit her like the truck in Citydrop, “...get your body.” 

Things started to click together. Little pieces of the story that never quite made sense began to resurface- how they never got her mother's body back, why she didn't even bring the combat charm- forming a truth so much worse than anything Raelle’s head could have ever cooked up. 

Her mom  _ left her.  _ Faked her death and left her and her dad to believe she was dead, let them mourn her.

“Raelle, please let me explain.” Willa leaned forward, her voice becoming urgent. “The Spree-”

“The  _ Spree? _ ”  _ No _ , she thought.  _ No no no. It can’t be, she wouldn’t... _

“I wanted to save you-”

The horror in her stomach clenched and turned to disgust.

“You left us for fucking terrorists,” she murmured, her voice quiet but full of disgust. Disgust at Willa’s actions, but also disgust at herself for being stupid enough to believe all of the lies she had been fed.

“Raelle, please- I love you.” Raelle shook her head, numbly standing because she was at her limit and she  _ just couldn’t do this right now. _

She grit her teeth and fixed the woman still seated at the desk with the coldest look she could muster. 

“You’re not my mom. My mom wouldn’t do this. I don’t know who you are, but you’re not her.” 

It turned out, there had been one tiny piece of her heart left still whole, and it shattered as she turned and walked away from the woman she used to call her mother, letting the shouts of her name echo down the hallway unanswered.

* * *

It was like Scylla knew something was wrong. Something- she couldn’t quite pin it down, it floated just out of her reach, taunting her from the edge of her conscious awareness- was very definitely wrong. She could taste it in the air, feel it in the anxious energy that buzzed through her veins and kept her from being able to sit still for longer than five minutes. It kept her up, nervously pacing back and forth and fiddling with her hands, doing anything she could to keep herself busy as she waited for Willa to return from her meeting with Alder so she could debrief her on the status of their makeshift truce. 

Scylla frowned at the drab wallpaper in her room, wishing for the millionth time that day that she had pushed Willa to let her come along. For some reason, Willa had denied her request that morning and left her behind to do inventory.  _ Fucking  _ inventory. It was a slap in the face, and clear evidence that she was still not pleased with Scylla’s failure to bring Raelle to her. But, Scylla needed to be on Willa’s good side if she could ever hope to be let back into Fort Salem and catch another glimpse of Raelle again. That fleeting hope was the only thing she had left to cling to. So, she swallowed her pride and counted the various pieces of equipment, weapons, and other odds and ends the local Spree cells were compiling to use against the Camarilla like a good little Spree agent.

Still, she couldn’t shake the nagging feeling in the back of her head urging her to run. Not run away, though, but  _ towards _ . 

Towards what, she wasn’t sure, but the instinct lurked in the corners of her mind, tugged at her heart, formed a pit of lead in her stomach and twisted it into an anxious ball until she sighed and returned to the living room downstairs to make yet another nervous lap around the house. 

Scylla wanted to scream. This feeling was slowly driving her mad, and she had no idea what to do about it. Something was wrong, but with no idea of what it was and no clue how to fix it she was stuck in this awful limbo; trapped in an unassuming dungeon of old wallpaper and ugly carpeting. It was more torturous than anything the Army had thrown at her. If she believed in hell, she would think she was there. This was, after all, her worst nightmare: trapped, and not by walls, but by the invisible barriers of the world she lived in. 

She glanced at the door again, hoping to catch any sign of the group returning from their meeting, but when it remained as motionless as it had been all day she sighed and returned to the table to continue the painstaking counting she had been attempting to do all day. 

She had almost managed to shake the feeling for a minute when she heard the distinct sound of slamming doors on the van that had pulled up outside and her head snapped up. The door burst open, Willa and her right hand woman Claire with their heads leaned close together and muttering to each other. Scylla strained to discern their hushed words, just barely catching what they were saying while keeping her head down and pretending to focus on the spreadsheets in front of her.

“...I mean really, Willa. What did you expect?”

“I don’t  _ know _ , Claire. That she’d be happy, maybe.”

_ Oh. Oh no. _

“You couldn’t have possibly thought that you could just pick up where you left off. That’s insane.”

“Well that’s obvious now, isn’t it?”

“For the Goddess’ sake, Willa. You raised the girl!” Scylla blanched. “You know her arguably better than anyone and from the stories you tell even I knew this was not going to go well…”

The conversation faded as Scylla put the pieces together. 

_ Raelle knows. Raelle knows about her mom. Raelle fucking knows.  _

The thoughts echoed through her head, over and over as she finally placed the emotions she had been feeling all day. 

Fear. Panic. Anger. Sadness. A cold and creeping numbness that sapped her strength and chilled her heart. They were all echoes of the devastating emotions that must have been overtaking the woman she loved, powerful enough to reach across the distance between them and seep into Scylla through the Link she had created between them all those months ago. 

She felt sick.

How had it happened? Had Willa at least had the decency to have someone warn Raelle? Or had Raelle simply seen her and been left to deal with the shock, all alone with no one there to hold her through it all? Had they spoken? From what Willa had said, Raelle had not taken it well, and Scylla needed to know what was happening to her right now more than she needed air to breathe.

Because, Raelle was struggling. Anyone could see it. The last time Scylla saw her, Raelle had collapsed in her arms and sobbed for a whole minute and as much as Scylla had wanted to enjoy that moment, she couldn’t help but be consumed with worry for Raelle. She could easily tell that Raelle had been pushed beyond her limits for far too long, and she was falling apart at the seams. Scylla had never seen her like that, not even when they first met. And that was  _ before  _ she found out that her mother was alive, and she had been lied to and betrayed for a year. Abandoned and left to follow a suicidal mission of self-destruction that had almost killed her. 

No, there was no chance that Raelle was handling this well, Scylla reasoned, and that thought terrified her. 

She needed to get to Fort Salem,  _ now.  _ No matter what it cost her.

Thank the Goddess she could drive a van.

* * *

Sneaking onto base wasn’t difficult thanks to her glamour work and her lighter. Scylla found the War College barracks easily enough, following the pull in her chest and allowing it to guide her to the right room. 

Something Scylla hadn’t planned for, though, was Abigail Bellweather standing guard outside of her destination. The other woman had stopped her in her tracks with a cold look, making it very clear that Scylla was not getting past her. Scylla crossed her arms, mimicking Abigail’s posture and lifting her chin to meet the challenge in the taller woman’s eyes.

“The hell are you doing here, Necro?”

“What’s it to you, High and Mighty?” It wasn’t her best comeback, but she was a little preoccupied at the moment.

“Do you want a list? I’m pretty sure that’s obvious, considering everything you’ve done.” Abigail stepped forward, glaring daggers and clearly ready to windstrike Scylla across the hallway if she needed to. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t sound the alarms right now. I’m waiting, but I’ll remind you I am not a patient person.”

“Friendly fire is generally frowned upon. I thought a Bellweather would know that.” Abigail opened her mouth, and Scylla stepped forward quickly, stopping the other woman from drawing attention to them. When she spoke again, her voice betrayed the fear and concern she felt. “I’m here for Raelle.”

Abigail let out a dry laugh. “And what makes you think seeing you is going to help her at all, huh? It’s not like your…  _ help _ , has done much in the past. You’ve done nothing but hurt her.”

Scylla winced. “I messed up, I know that.” Abigail scoffed, and Scylla’s heart sank further. She sighed, giving Abigail a pleading look. “Please, Abigail. I love her. I know you may not believe me, and I can’t blame you for that, but I swear that’s the only reason I’m here. I heard what happened and I just… I need to know she’s okay. But I also know she hasn’t been, not for a while.”

Abigail frowned, clearly weighing her options in her mind before shifting slightly to allow Scylla to enter the room, closing the door behind them.

“Fine, I guess.” Abigail spoke in a hushed tone in an attempt to keep the other woman in the room from hearing her. “But if you try  _ anything _ I swear to the Goddess you will be thrown out that window faster than you can say salva and even that won’t save you. Got it?”

She mimicked Abigail’s quiet voice. “Loud and clear, Bellweather.” Scylla sighed and crossed her arms, glancing at the small form curled up on the bottom bunk and feeling her heart wrench at the sight. Raelle was curled into a tight ball, facing the wall and shaking slightly, eyes tightly shut. “Has she spoken to anyone since it happened?”

“No, no one. Just… laid there, staring at the wall.”

“ _ Shit _ .”

“Yeah.” Abigail paused for a moment, frowning and crossing her arms before meeting Scylla’s gaze again. “Look… I don’t know why I’m trusting you right now. I really don’t. But I guess- I guess I’m just hoping there’s something you can do, because if she keeps going like this, she’s gonna work herself to death. Like you said, she wasn’t okay before this, and now-” Abigail shook her head. “She can’t keep on like this, and it’s killing us to watch her try. She hardly eats, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t sleep, she just goes to class and comes back and sits there staring at the wall. It’s like she’s here physically, but mentally, she’s hardly there at all. I’m worried about her. Really worried.” Abigail’s face fell after she stopped talking, a look of sadness and concern mirroring how Scylla felt as silence fell over the room. 

The bed creaked, drawing their attention.

“Y’all know I can hear you, right?” Raelle’s voice was quiet, and so broken and worn it sliced through what was left of Scylla’s heart. 

_ Oops.  _ There was no getting out of this one, it seemed.

“Raelle…” Scylla cautiously walked to the bed. She couldn’t help it, Scylla could never resist the instinctual urge to help the woman she loved. The other woman’s body slowly relaxed and she turned to face her. 

Scylla gasped when she saw her. If it had been clear that Raelle was struggling earlier, it was blatantly obvious now. Tears streaked her cheeks and bags were heavy under her eyes. Her face was gaunt, her lair limp and lifeless. Her eyes were bleak and hollow, completely devoid of the vivid fire which once burned in them, fire that Scylla loved so much. Would happily let consume her, and without a single regret.

Raelle sighed. “Why are you here, Scylla?” She sounded so tired, and if Scylla’s heart hadn't been broken already it would have broken again.

“I heard what happened, with your…”

“Don’t.” Raelle stopped her, a bitter edge to her voice. “Don’t call her that. She’s not- I don’t know who that woman is.” Scylla nodded. It was an understandable reaction.

“Raelle,” she looked up, meeting Scylla’s gaze again. “May I?” Scylla gestured to the space next to Raelle on the bed. It seemed like a pointless question, almost too stupid to ask, but to her shock Raelle nodded, scooting over to make more space for her. “Are you- are you sure?” She asked, incredulous.

“Sit down before I change my mind.” 

Scylla sat down as quickly as she could without jostling Raelle too much.

“Bells.” Abigail lifted her head. “Can you give us some space?”

“Sure, Shitbird.” Abigail gave her a questioning look, but turned to leave. “Be sure to yell if you need anything, okay?” She said over her shoulder.

Raelle nodded, waiting for Abigail to leave before she spoke again. 

“Okay, Scylla. Talk.”

“What?” Scylla couldn’t make sense of that. She couldn’t dare to hope about what those words might mean. It was more than she could have possibly dreamed of.

Raelle took a shaky breath.

“I need you to tell me why. Why you did what you did. What all of this means. You wanted a chance to explain yourself? This is it. I just-” Raelle let out a tired sigh, her voice thick with pain, sadness, confusion, anger. “I keep trying to get you out of my head, and I just  _ can’t.  _ And it’s killing me. I need something, just one  _ fucking _ thing, to make sense right now. So,” Scylla swallowed, overwhelmed by an opportunity she never thought she would get, before Raelle finished. “Talk.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this! We're probably looking at one more chapter, but we will see. If there's anyone still reading this, thank you. I appreciate you so much. And a thousand thank you's to everyone who left comments asking if I would continue this- you're the best. Feel free to leave comments or kudos if you like, and I will (hopefully) see you soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends! Not gonna lie, this has been sitting in my google drive mostly finished for over a month now because I didn't think it was good enough. I've gone over it again, and I hope y'all like it. Thank you all so much for your comments and kudos, they mean so much to me!
> 
> As always, major shout out to Donna for reading this over and fixing my comma splices.

Raelle wasn’t exactly sure what she was doing. 

Or why. 

This had to be the single most stupid thing she had ever done, and she had pulled a lot of shit in her 18 years of life. And yet, here she was, asking Scylla to stay and giving her a chance to explain herself like a goddamn  _ idiot  _ who still hadn’t learned her lesson. The past twelve hours hung so heavy on her chest, and she found she couldn’t bring herself to care about all the things Scylla had done anymore. She just couldn’t find the energy to give a shit, and what more did she have to lose anyway? 

In a twisted way, it felt good to give up the fight and surrender to the instinctual need to be near Scylla. To get lost in her words, her voice a song Raelle would never get tired of hearing. One she once wished to hear for the rest of her life, and she still secretly did.

Her back was to Scylla, but she could feel the dip of the bed as the other woman delicately sat down, so close that Raelle could feel the heat radiating from her body- so  _ fucking  _ close- and she fought the urge to close the distance and finally feel the familiar touch of Scylla’s body against her own.

It was pure torture to know how close she was and not let herself reach out and find the one source of comfort she needed, like drowning but stubbornly refusing to keep her heard above the water. Raelle clenched her eyes shut and waited for Scylla to speak as suspenseful silence hung heavily in the air around them. 

Behind her, Scylla took a deep breath, pausing before she began, her voice quiet but confident, completely vulnerable in a way that caught Raelle by surprise.

“After my parents died,” Scylla began, “I was on the run for a long time. I stayed with some Dodger families, but never for more than a few nights at a time. I didn’t want to put them in any more danger than they were already in. I couldn’t let what happened to me happen to them too, so I mostly stayed on the run. Being in that community, living the way I was… you hear whispers. My parents hated the Spree. They hated violence,” Scylla stopped for a moment, and Raelle carefully turned over in time to catch the sad smile on her face, “They were peaceful to the end. But I wasn’t like that. I was so angry. And when I found a way to avenge them, a way to make the Army pay for what they took from me, how could I say no? I could finally stop running. Fight for what I believed in, join a cause greater than myself and actually capable of creating change.”

“You killed people, Scylla. People like my dad.” Raelle watched Scylla wince and felt a pang of guilt, but it needed to be said. The brunette paused for a minute and swallowed before she spoke again, choosing her words carefully. 

“I did what I thought I had to do. For what I thought was right. I was fighting for a world where we could be  _ free _ , Raelle. Can you imagine that? Free to have a life we choose, instead of being forced to sign our lives away the moment we’re old enough to do it. I thought it was the only way, and I was willing to die for it. I didn’t see any other future for myself, so why not use the time I had to get back at the system that took everything I had from me? But then, I-” 

Scylla’s voice broke and she stopped. Raelle watched as her face fell, and she seemed to shrink in on herself. 

It took everything Raelle had not to reach out and squeeze her hand to reassure her. 

“The Spree told me I was to enlist a week before my 18th birthday. My instructions were to lay low and keep my head down, not make any friends and generally fly under the radar- not that that was hard for me.” Raelle scoffed at that; she couldn’t stop herself. It was just so  _ quintessentially  _ Scylla- and for a split second, she could almost forget where they were, all the destruction and pain that got them here. Scylla hazarded a small smile at her before looking down and fiddling with the quilt on Raelle’s bed, and for the first time in months Raelle felt a faint glow of affection stir in her traitorous heart, warm and sweet and tempting her ever closer to the woman just a few inches from her. 

“I didn’t know what my mission would be, not yet, so I did as I was told and waited for orders. And then finally… I heard about you.”

Raelle’s heart sank as the familiar coldness crept back into her chest, and she started to turn back over, unable to watch Scylla say the next part.

“Raelle-” A hand briefly grazed her shoulder before being yanked back as quickly as it had appeared. Still, it may as well have been a brand for the way the point of contact burned in its absence. “Please, wait.” 

And damn the way her heart wrenched at the hurt in Scylla’s voice, rendering her helpless to resist the request.

So Raelle stopped, turning her head despite every brain cell screaming at her to stop, her heart somehow finding the strength to fight her head. She cautiously met the deep blue eyes desperately watching her, full of tenderness and warmth, an unspoken apology glistening in them. 

She nodded, silently encouraging Scylla to continue.

“I was only supposed to get to know you, make you more sympathetic to the Spree.” Scylla avoided her gaze then, instead intently focused on the quilt beneath her, her voice soft and full of regret.

Raelle scoffed. “Bet they thought I would be an easy convert.” She couldn’t keep the bitterness from her voice, memories of yelling at Scylla about why she was chosen echoing unbidden through her mind.

“I know you won’t want to hear it, and I can’t blame you for that, but…” Scylla glanced at her, “Willa wanted you back with her.”

Raelle bristled. Scylla was right; she really  _ didn’t  _ want to hear that. 

“Raelle, I swear I didn’t know.” Scylla’s voice was desperate now. “I would  _ never  _ do that to you. I couldn’t. I know what that loss feels like, and I would never, ever wish it on you. Please, if you believe anything, believe that.”

“I believe you, Scyl.” That much she was sure of. Scylla had told her a lot of lies, but she could see in her eyes, hear it in the way she spoke, like she would rather die than put Raelle through that. There was no doubt in her mind that at least that was true.

Scylla nodded. “I was so confident I could do it. So sure. I couldn’t imagine failure, didn’t think it was possible.” A bitter laugh. “But then you were… well, you.”

It was the second time Raelle had heard that, and it still didn’t make a lick of sense.

“The hell does that even mean, Scylla?”

Scylla’s gaze was piercing, her eyes so full of love and affection that they were hard to look at, but Raelle couldn’t bring herself to look away. They were as captivating as they always had been, and she distantly wondered how she had gone so long without seeing them.

“It started because of the mission. I can’t deny that. But then, I got to know you, Raelle.  _ Really  _ know you. And the more I learned about you, the more I fell. For you. I fell in love with you, deeper than I ever thought I could. Deeper than I thought was possible. I learned about who you are. How much you care about the people you love. How hard you fight for what you believe in. How no matter how hurt you are, you still do everything you possibly can to help others, even if it hurts you more.” Scylla’s voice softened, affection and love pouring out of her. “How sweet you are, even though you act like you’re so tough. I fell in love with every single part of you, until it was the only thing I believed in. The only thing I knew without a doubt was true.” 

Scylla swallowed. “Before I knew it, nothing else mattered. Not the Spree. Not the mission. Not the Army. All I wanted was you, and all I needed was for you to be safe. I fell in love with you completely. It was the best thing I ever did, no matter what has happened since, because even just for a moment... I had you. I can’t make myself regret it.” 

It was overwhelming to hear. It was everything she had hoped for, that Scylla felt the same way she did. But it was also terrifying, because if everything was real like Scylla insisted, what the fuck did that mean for them? A wave of pure, raw emotion hit Raelle and she was reaching for Scylla’s hand before she knew what she was doing, the Link forming before either of them could-

_ It’s a memory- immediately recognizable, a day that was so full of pain and love, joy and sorrow that it may as well have been imprinted on her soul.  _

_ It  _ was _ imprinted on her soul. Familiar in the way that it had made her whole and then broke her in under twenty four hours. _

_ There was music playing as witches milled around, dancing to the soft music and enjoying the late afternoon sunlight and pleasant atmosphere of a wedding reception. It was beautiful, the wedding planner had absolutely outdone herself, but she couldn’t bring herself to enjoy it. There was a sick feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach as she glanced at her watch- 5:58. She had feebly tried to suggest going to the beach, walking along the water’s edge, but Raelle wanted to dance. _

_ Damn it, she wanted to dance. _

_ It had been a simple request, so innocent and sweet, that Scylla couldn’t say no. She never could. Raelle had looked at her and the pain in her eyes had just about made Scylla want to cry. Raelle wouldn’t tell her exactly what had happened, but she knew it hurt. How could she possibly have refused?  _

_ And now she would have to pay the price, she realized, as she waited for the toll of the clock to chime her sentence.  _

_ But then she felt the hand in hers, warm and steady as she breathed in the scent of the woman in front of her, and for just a second she was home. As close to home as a Dodger could ever know- a constant source of security and comfort that she never wanted to spend another day without; she wasn’t sure how she could. The world had only ever offered her coldness and danger, but here and now she was safe.  _

_ She knew then and there- she never stood a chance. She never would have. In every life, every possible universe, she would fall in love with Raelle. It was a universal truth, written in the stars, unavoidable in its certainty. There was never any other option. Her fate was sealed the moment she first met that clear blue gaze that day on the storm range, and she had been falling ever since.  _

_ The funny thing was- she didn’t mind. Loving Raelle felt as natural as breathing, like she was born to do it, and her life had finally found a purpose after years of aimlessly searching. Everything clicked into place, as if she had finally found what she had spent her whole life searching for.  _

_ She had something new to fight for. _

_ She was so far off the mission she was given but she couldn’t care less. All Scylla hoped for now was to enjoy these last few minutes before she must inevitably face the consequences of her actions.  _

_ After all, the Spree had been very clear about what would happen to her should she fail. But, inexplicably, Scylla was at peace with it. Raelle wanted to dance, and Scylla was helpless to deny her. Scylla would do anything to make her happy, to keep her safe, no matter what it cost her.  _

_ It was worth it. To know that, at least for one more minute, she had Raelle here, in her arms, swaying to the music and shining like the sun in front of her.  _

_ Looking at her like she was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, her eyes sparkling as she gave her the dopey smile reserved for Scylla and Scylla alone, a blessing that only she was worthy enough to witness.  _

_ It’s funny, Scylla thought, how they say your life flashes before your eyes right before you die, because all Scylla saw before the bells chimed was Raelle. _

_ How she had grinned that night when they shared stolen salva. Raelle had been floating in front of her, so free and full of life and joy as fireflies sparkled around them. _

_ How she laughed when Scylla woke her up with playful kisses, trying to tempt her into being late for inspection. The warm glow of sleep fading as Scylla smiled back at her, a moment of light and love that she treasured. _

_ Her stunned look after Scylla first kissed her before diving back in for more, back before Scylla knew that night would change her life forever. _

_ The memories came unbidden, one after the other, reminding her of all that she had to lose. _

_ A loud chime rang out over the reception and Scylla’s stomach sank as she slowly glanced at the clock on the side of the dance floor. The hands seemed to mock her as she stopped dead in her tracks, swallowing the lump that rose in her throat. Six o’clock, on the dot. She was very quickly running out of time. _

_ Raelle noticed her change in mood like she always did, as sweet and dedicated as ever as she fixed her with a look so full of affection and concern it almost shredded Scylla’s heart in two. _

_ “Scyl, what’s wrong? You look pale.” _

If only she knew _ , Scylla thought bitterly. _

_ “Nothing, I’m good.” She tried her best to reassure her. “I’m fine.” The lie tasted bitter on her tongue, but she forced a smile full of certainty that she didn’t feel. _

_ But, Raelle knew something was wrong. “You sure?” _

_ Scylla nodded, trying to muster up another smile. _

_ “I’m good. Let’s just...dance.” _

_ “Okay.” Raelle seemed reluctant to leave it, but she conceded, pulling Scylla close as they began to dance again. Scylla savored every second that she still had Raelle in her arms, doing her best to commit everything to memory. How Raelle’s hand felt on her hip. The gentle puffs of her breath on her cheek. The warm, woody scent of her skin. The clear blue of her eyes that she wanted to get lost in. She did everything she could to sear each thing into her mind and try not to think about the gravity of the decision she had made.  _

_ She betrayed the Spree. Failed her mission. Fell completely and totally in love with her mark, and now she would likely die for it. There was no way to know what her future held, and fear gripped her heart, her blood running cold for a second.  _

_ She needed to make sure that Raelle knew. She took a deep breath, steadying her nerves before she spoke. _

_ “No matter what happens,” she carefully murmured in Raelle’s ear, “I love you.”  _

_ She could feel Raelle’s smile against her neck as she pressed the sweetest kisses to it, and it took everything Scylla had not to cry as she relished the feeling of Raelle’s lips on her skin. Each kiss was a precious blessing that she cherished more than any physical object she had ever owned. _

_ On that dance floor, with Raelle in her arms, swaying to the beat of a song long forgotten as they got lost in a little world of their own. free of all their worries, Scylla realized. _

_ It was all worth it.  _

_ Getting to love Raelle was worth it, for however long she was lucky enough to call Raelle hers.  _

_ No matter what happened.  _

_ The Spree could do whatever they wanted to her. They could torture her, kill her, do their worst, but she would never regret this decision. She chose Raelle, and she always would. _

_ Nothing could ever change that.  _

Raelle came back to reality slowly, her head reeling from the intense emotions that flowed between her and Scylla moments ago. She blinked, trying to process what she had just experienced.

She had relived that day in her mind more times than she could count, trying desperately to make sense of it and analyzing every moment, but seeing it from Scylla’s perspective changed everything. Suddenly, things fell into place. Why Tally’s story didn’t quite add up. Why Scylla had chosen then to tell her how she felt. Why Scylla had looked so scared.

Scylla really had loved her.

Scylla  _ still  _ loved her.

Scylla had been ready to die because Raelle wanted to dance and she loved her enough to say yes, and she had been at peace with it.

Scylla had chosen her over the Spree. 

_ I chose you. Instead of them, I chose you. _

She hadn’t lied about any of it.

Raelle dully realized she was crying, barely recognizing the tears streaming down her cheeks as she reached forward, her mind screaming at her to stop as her body moved, kneeling next to Scylla, hands gently cradling her face between her palms. It was a familiar position, kneeling before Scylla and cradling her face like the precious thing it was, gently resting their foreheads together. She stroked her thumb across Scylla’s cheek, finally allowing herself to surrender to what she has wanted- no,  _ needed _ \- for months.

“ _ Scyl- _ ” Scylla was staring at her in shock, tears mirroring Raelle’s own, like she couldn’t let herself believe this was really happening, like she wasn’t even sure Raelle was real, and Raelle came impossibly closer. She looked straight into Scylla’s eyes and saw a mix of fear, hope, and pure love staring back, before her resolve broke and she closed the distance between them. 

The moment their lips met, Scylla surged forward, her hands gripping whatever she could find- her hips, her arms, wrapping around her body to keep her as close as she possibly could- as she held on to Raelle, like if she were to let go Raelle would disappear. 

The kiss was sloppy- full of teeth and broken sobs, but Raelle couldn’t bring herself to care. She didn’t care that their tears mingled together, that their teeth clacked with the force they both brought, that they couldn’t seem to find a rhythm because they were both too desperate to get as close as humanly possible to the other. All she could think of was  _ Scylla  _ and  _ closer  _ and how nothing could ever take them apart again. 

It was messy and heart wrenching and  _ perfect. _

It felt like coming home.

Like a piece that had been ripped from her soul was only missing, but not gone, brought back the moment she stopped fighting the all-consuming love she felt and now she was whole again. The broken shards of glass that had taken up residence in Raelle’s heart slowly began to put themselves back together again, edges rounding out as the constant ache of hurt and longing began to fade.

As she finally pulled back, Raelle took one of Scylla’s hands in hers.

“Scyl, I-” 

It was hard to find the right words. After everything that had happened, it seemed impossible to find a way to describe how she felt. Nothing came close to describing the unending agony she had been in for months, how her days had been bleak at best and almost unsurvivable at worst, but she had to try.

“I still love you, too. I never stopped.” It would have been impossible to miss the small gasp her confession pulled from Scylla, and Raelle felt a pang of guilt in her chest.

“Raelle, I lied to you.” Scylla took her hand. “About so many things. I’m so, so sorry about all of the pain I have caused you. It kills me to know how much I hurt you, and I will work to make it up to you, as long as you will let me. But I never lied about how I feel about you. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I need you to know that it was real.”

“I don’t know if I can forgive you, Scyl.” Raelle watched her face fall and she cursed herself for a moment, scrambling to clarify what she meant. She cupped Scylla’s face to catch her gaze again. “But I want to try. I love you. God, I’ve tried not to. Spent the last few months trying to stop, trying to forget you, and it nearly killed me. Ask Bells, or Tally, or Anacostia, or anyone. I’ve been a walking mess.”

“I’ve... heard.” Scylla agreed, and Raelle made a note to yell at Abigail later.

“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m so fucking confused and no one is telling me anything. But I do know that I still want you. I’ve tried not to, but as hard as I’ve tried, I still do. It doesn’t make any fucking sense and I probably shouldn’t, but I still love you, Scylla.”

“I don’t deserve you, Raelle,” Scylla murmured, “but I want to spend every day trying to.” Raelle felt tears prick her eyes. Scylla made it sound like Raelle should hate her, and she probably should, but how could she? How could she ever hate the woman who showed her how much life could be worth living? The woman who sacrificed everything just to spend a few more moments with her, was ready to die rather than betray her. 

Hating her was never possible. She had wanted to,  _ God  _ she had wanted to, but the simple truth of it all was she didn’t. It just wasn’t possible.

Raelle would love her until the day she died, and even after that. She would find a way.

“I didn’t mean it,” she found herself saying. Scylla cocked her head and her brow furrowed slightly as she listened. “What I said, in the dungeon. I was angry, and scared, and confused. I wanted to hurt you, and I’m sorry. Even after everything…” Raelle reached forward, drawing Scylla into her arms. “I’m glad we met, Scyl.”

She couldn’t see her, but she heard Scylla’s quiet sniff, and felt the warm wetness of her tears through the fabric of her shirt a moment later. Scylla gripped handfuls of the fabric as they held each other close, both overwhelmed by emotions and utter euphoria at finally being together again. 

Minutes or hours could have passed. It was unclear and neither of them cared, but eventually Scylla moved, catching Raelle by surprise. She laid down on the bed, gesturing for Raelle to join her. Raelle stretched herself out, and a moment later Scylla was pressing herself against Raelle’s back and holding her close. It was a position they had used back when Raelle was still in basic and she’d had a long day, when Scylla knew she needed the comfort of being held and the security of being in her arms from only the look in her eyes, no words needed. 

Because Scylla knew. She always knew.

And this was no different.

Being back in Scylla’s arms was like finally being able to breathe again. She felt safe for the first time in months, cocooned in gentle warmth and comforted by the solid body pressed against her. Raelle’s muscles finally relaxed, soothed by the gentle breathing and steady heartbeat behind her.

“I love you, Raelle.” Raelle felt the soft vibration of her voice as she spoke, and turned over in her arms because she needed to see her and remind herself this was real, and not another cruel nightmare that would break her heart again as soon as she woke up. “I always will. And I want you to take as long as you need to to forgive me. I probably don’t even deserve it, but I will work for it every hour of every day. I promise.”

Raelle took one of Scylla’s hands, holding it close to her chest.

“I believe you. I’m in this with you, Scyl.” 

The words were familiar, but they had so much more meaning now.

“No matter what happens?” Scylla asked, her tone cautiously hopeful. She glanced down at their joined hands, before meeting Raelle’s gaze, the look in her eyes so full of love and fear Raelle wondered how the hell she ever thought she could live without the woman in front of her.

She felt a small smile stretch across her face and she brought Scylla’s hand to her lips, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles, just like she used to all those months ago. There were so many unknowns, so many things to fear, but here and now she was safe and happy, in the arms of the woman she loved.

“No matter what happens.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are. Our girls finally made up. They now deserve a year long vacation, peace and quiet, and lots of recovery time. Camarilla not invited. Anyone else agree?   
> On a serious note, thank you to everyone who read, left kudos, or commented on my little trip into angst world. I appreciate you all.


End file.
